Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Just Ticked Off

Would that I were comfortable with stronger language, because it's warranted. I'm just angry. Sick, tired, and pissed off.

I'm angry that my home is a shambles, once again...and apparently until the end of time. That my young daughter already notices the differences between this home and others, and knows that THIS is wrong. I'm royally pissed off at myself for not pulling my head out and FIXING it, and at everyone else for not caring enough to HELP. I don't understand how the rest of the world can get up, take care of family, go to work, come home, take care of family, clean the entire freaking house so that it's at least in some kind of order, go to bed, then get up the next morning after too little sleep and do it all over again. I don't understand why I CAN'T KEEP UP. I don't understand why I seem to be expected to do it by myself, either, but that's a personal thing I'm pissed off about right now.

I'm sad and disappointed about my weight and health and how out of shape I am, and discouraged at how very long it's going to take me to get THAT mess straightened out. At least I'm making some progress in that arena, at least so far. I just finished my third week of Weight Watchers. Again. Woo-HOO, right? Right. I've done well (I know, for this WHOLE THREE WEEKS), but I'd be more pumped if it wasn't a dang life sentence. I had my baby just over 5 years ago, and I weigh what I weighed at that point, which is the last time I started WW.

Yeah, not much with the stick-to-it-iveness. I couldn't even keep this project going, could I? And obviously, I need to, because when I was journaling here, and reading comments here, I felt less alone, and I WAS getting things done, albeit tiny things. Right now, even the tiny things feel beyond me.

So, I don't know what's next. I may share some recipes and things, but I don't want this to turn into a weight-loss blog, because jumpin' cats, those are boring. But if I find ways to turn out good meals that are actually healthy, I'll share.

I'll have to tell you about the powdered peanut butter I discovered, at the very least.