Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Because sometimes a hot bath ain't gonna cut it.

Last night I had an intense craving for ice cream. I'm not really sure what was going on, it's been an especially stressful week, and it was only Tuesday. I just needed some sweet relief. And that's how I get relief. Relief from anxiety and stress are the top two reasons I eat compulsively. Relief from boredom is a secondary reason. The feeling of needing relief is sometimes very intense, I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker, and the only way to get the lid off is to stuff something sugary in my mouth.

I decided I was not going to the store to buy a fix. At first I was going to make some zucchini bread. Hey, it's not spinach salad, but it's the best I could do at the time. But then I was just too damn tired, so I poured a bowl of cereal instead. And we didn't have any milk. And I was pissed. And my pissed-ness was out of proportion to being out of milk. And then I ate it dry.

The question that's rolling through my head is, how bad is it to self medicate? I don't drink, it makes me ill-- nausea, headache, but I know plenty of people who drink. Sometimes they drink as a social thing, but a lot of the time they drink for relief-- to chill. When I eat in order to relieve stress or anxiety, that's what I'm doing. Should I just sit with my feelings instead? Is that a healthier choice? Does medicating myself with food really stunt my emotional growth, as the pop-psych theory claims? What if I eat carrots to soothe? I'm not saying it would do the trick, but it's a healthier option, physically. Is that better? Or should I resist soothing myself with food under any circumstances. That seems like a very tall, and unrealistic order.

Now, as a Christian, [and I rarely mention my religion because a) it's personal, b) it's usually misunderstood, and c) I'm not a very good one] I know I really should be giving my anxiety and stress to God, but that seems like a very esoteric concept. How the hell (see, I shouldn't say hell) am I supposed to do that exactly? I mean I know that truly is the answer, but you may as well say flapping my arms and flying is the answer, because I don't get it. Also being the little addict I am, I need immediate relief, and frankly relief from on high takes a little too long to get here.

46 comments:

Erin said...

I self medicate with LOTS of things, but mostly food and diet soda. But also alcohol, occasionally. It's really, really, really hard to deny those urges. I can sympathize!

If you find a fix, let me know. Also, before I pulled up this post, I was getting ready to eat a big bowl of Lucky Charms. Because there was NO candy and NO ice cream and NO chocolate in the house, and I was feeling desperate. You're not alone.

Belinda said...

At the beginning of your post, I was putting myself in your shoes, and already thinking, "Dry Quaker Oat Squares," because that would have been the only readily available sweet thing in MY house that didn't require baking.

On the self-medicating, if anyone says they don't do it, they're either lying or deluded. We all do it, whether it's (outing myself twice here) a book/magazine splurge or a dose of precious, precious carbohydrates. I think there's a big difference if you're at least doing it mindfully, although maybe not...I can see where even that attitude could be bad with alcohol or other substances.

Wow, I am a lot of help, right?

Matt said...

i really appreciate your words here... very relevant to me!

as to your not being a very good Christian... drive by my blog, read some of the shit (see, i shouldn't say shit) i write, then let's talk about it!

SDG,
Matty
mattythestranger.wordpress.com

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